Ask for help. Most people will say yes.
People are much more willing to help than we expect. In a 2008 study, Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake found that people asking strangers for small favors guessed they'd need to ask about twice as many people as they actually did. We underestimate how hard it is for others to say no, so we don't ask, and we end up doing everything ourselves.
Most of the business owners I coach are really, really good at doing it themselves.
They'll stay up until midnight figuring out the software instead of asking the friend who already uses it. They'll write the whole proposal alone instead of asking a colleague to look it over. They'll carry the whole house and the whole business and wonder why they're tired.
When I ask why they didn't ask for help, the answers sound like this: "I didn't want to bother anyone." "She's busy too." "They'll probably say no."
That last one is the one the research says is wrong.
What the research says
Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake ran a set of experiments where participants had to ask strangers for help. Things like filling out a short questionnaire, lending a cell phone, or walking someone to a building nearby.
Before they started, participants guessed how many people they'd need to ask to get enough yeses.
They overestimated by about double. People said yes far more often than the askers expected.
Why? Because when we imagine asking, we think about the cost of helping. Time, effort, inconvenience. We forget how awkward it is to say no to someone's face. Most people would rather spend a few minutes helping than feel like the person who turned you down.
Why asking feels so hard
For high achievers, asking for help can feel like admitting you can't handle it. Like the people around you will finally see you don't have it all together.
If that sounds familiar, you might want to read Feeling like a fraud is normal for high achievers.
And here's the other thing. The person you're asking is not thinking about your request nearly as much as you are. You'll replay that text five times. They'll read it once and answer. We tend to think people are watching us way more closely than they really are.
How to ask so people say yes
Make it specific. "Can you help me with marketing?" is hard to say yes to. "Can you look at my homepage for 15 minutes and tell me what's confusing?" is easy.
Make it small. Start with something that fits in a coffee break. You can always ask for more later.
Ask directly. In person or by phone beats email. The research suggests it's harder for people to say no face to face.
Give them an easy out. "Totally fine if you can't this week." Oddly, this makes yes more likely, not less.
Close the loop. Tell them how it turned out. People who see their help mattered are more likely to help again.
What it looks like
A client of mine spent three months trying to figure out how to price a new service. Three months. We were going in circles.
I asked her, "Who do you know who's priced something like this?" She named two people right away. She hadn't asked either one. She texted both that afternoon. They both responded. One got on a call with her that week, and she had her pricing set by Friday.
Three months of stuck. One text to fix it.
Your homework
Think of one thing you've been stuck on alone. Now think of one person who could help in 15 minutes or less.
Ask them today. Odds are better than you think that they'll say yes.
Part of my job as a coach is being the person you don't have to apologize for asking. If you want that every week, let's talk.
Frequently asked questions
Why do people hate asking for help?
We tend to overestimate how much helping costs the other person and underestimate how hard it is for them to say no, so we assume they'll turn us down.
Are people more likely to help than we think?
Yes. In Flynn and Lake's 2008 studies, people asking strangers for favors overestimated how many people they'd need to ask by about double.
How do I ask for help without feeling like a burden?
Make the request specific and small, ask directly, give the person an easy way to decline, and let them know afterward how their help made a difference.
Sources: Flynn, F. J., & Lake, V. K. B. (2008). "If you need support, just ask": Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1), 128–143.
