Talk to yourself like you'd talk to a client
Talking to yourself in the third person, using your own name or "you" instead of "I," can help you stay calmer under pressure. In a 2014 study led by Ethan Kross, people who used distanced self-talk before giving a stressful speech felt less anxious, were rated as performing better, and dwelled on it less afterward. It's like giving yourself the advice you'd give a friend.
If one of my clients told me, "I completely blew that sales call, I'm terrible at this, I should just quit," I would never say, "Yep, you're right."
I'd say something like, "Okay. That one didn't go well. What happened? What would you do differently next time?"
But when I'm the one who blew the call? The voice in my head is not nearly that kind. Or that useful.
Most of us are great coaches for other people and terrible coaches for ourselves. It turns out there's a simple trick that helps, and it sounds a little silly.
What the research found
In 2014, psychologist Ethan Kross and his colleagues ran a series of studies on self-talk.
In one, people were told they'd have to give a speech with only a few minutes to prepare. That's stressful for almost anyone. Before the speech, some people were asked to think about their feelings using "I." Others were asked to use their own name or "you." So instead of "Why am I so nervous?" it was "Why is Hannah so nervous?"
The people who used their name or "you" felt less anxious. Judges rated their speeches as better. And afterward, they spent less time replaying what went wrong.
One small word change. Noticeably different results.
Why does this work?
When you say "I," you're inside the problem. Everything feels urgent and personal.
When you say your own name, you take one step back. You're looking at the situation the way an outsider would, and outsiders are much better at seeing clearly. It's the same reason it's easy to see what your friend should do about her business and hard to see what you should do about yours.
How to use it at work
Catch the spiral. When you notice "I'm so behind" or "I can't do this," pause.
Switch to your name. "Okay, Hannah. You're behind on two things. Which one matters most today?"
Ask the questions you'd ask a client. What happened? What's in your control? What's the next small step?
Say it out loud if you can. In the car is a great place. Nobody's listening. Probably.
Use it before stressful moments too. Before a sales call, a hard conversation, or a presentation: "You've done this before. You know your stuff. Slow down and listen."
This isn't about being soft
Talking to yourself kindly doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. A good coach is kind and honest. "That didn't go well" is honest. "I'm an idiot" is just noise.
If you tend to beat yourself up over missed deadlines and procrastination, this pairs well with the research in Forgive yourself for procrastinating. And if your inner critic sounds a lot like "They're going to find out I'm a fraud," you might want to read Feeling like a fraud is normal for high achievers.
What it looks like
I taught this to a client who freezes up before pitching prospects. I recommended she start giving herself a pep talk in the car on the way to those meetings, using her own name.
She told me she felt a little ridiculous the first time, but by the third time, she said it was the calmest she'd felt walking into a pitch in years.
If you want a real coach in your corner, not just the one in your head, let's talk.
Frequently asked questions
What is distanced self-talk?
Distanced self-talk means referring to yourself by your own name or as "you" instead of "I" when thinking through a stressful situation. It helps create a little psychological distance.
Does talking to yourself in the third person really work?
In a 2014 study by Kross and colleagues, people who used their own name or "you" before a stressful speech felt less anxious, performed better, and dwelled less on it afterward.
How can I stop being so hard on myself at work?
Try talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a client or friend: acknowledge what happened, ask what's in your control, and pick a next step.
Sources: Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324.
